11 Step Program for those thinking of having kids

I saw this on Facebook and thought that it was so funny that I had to share it here as well. I have not been a mother long enough to experience all of this, but I still found it very amusing!

11 Step Program for those thinking of having kids

by Amy Lawrence on Tuesday, January 4, 2011 at 9:24am.

Lesson 1
1. Go to the grocery store.
2. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office.
3. Go home.
4. Pick up the paper.
5. Read it for the last time.

Lesson 2
Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple who already are parents and berate them about their...
1. Methods of discipline.
2. Lack of patience.
3. Appallingly low tolerance levels.
4. Allowing their children to run wild.
5. Suggest ways in which they might improve their child's breastfeeding, sleep habits, toilet training, table manners, and overall behavior.
Enjoy it because it will be the last time in your life you will have all the answers.

Lesson 3
A really good way to discover how the nights might feel...
1. Get home from work and immediately begin walking around the living room from 5PM to 10PM carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 8-12 pounds, with a radio turned to static (or some other obnoxious sound) playing loudly. (Eat cold food with one hand for dinner)
2. At 10PM, put the bag gently down, set the alarm for midnight, and go to sleep.
3. Get up at 12 and walk around the living room again, with the bag, until 1AM.
4. Set the alarm for 3AM.
5. As you can't get back to sleep, get up at 2AM and make a drink and watch an infomercial.
6. Go to bed at 2:45AM.
7. Get up at 3AM when the alarm goes off.
8. Sing songs quietly in the dark until 4AM.
9. Get up. Make breakfast. Get ready for work and go to work (work hard and be productive)
Repeat steps 1-9 each night. Keep this up for 3-5 years. Look cheerful and together.

Lesson 4
Can you stand the mess children make? To find out...
1. Smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains.
2. Hide a piece of raw chicken behind the stereo and leave it there all summer.
3. Stick your fingers in the flower bed.
4. Then rub them on the clean walls.
5. Take your favorite book, photo album, etc. Wreck it.
6. Spill milk on your new pillows. Cover the stains with crayons. How does that look?

Lesson 5
Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems.
1. Buy an octopus and a small bag made out of loose mesh.
2. Attempt to put the octopus into the bag so that none of the arms hang out.
Time allowed for this - all morning.

Lesson 6
Forget the BMW and buy a mini-van. And don't think that you can leave it out in the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars don't look like that.
1. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment.
Leave it there.
2. Get a dime. Stick it in the CD player.
3. Take a family size package of chocolate cookies. Mash them into the back seat. Sprinkle cheerios all over the floor, then smash them with your foot.
4. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car.

Lesson 7
Go to the local grocery store. Take with you the closest thing you can find to a pre-school child. (A full-grown goat is an excellent choice). If you intend to have more than one child, then definitely take more than one goat. Buy your week's groceries without letting the goats out of your sight. Pay for everything the goat eats or destroys. Until you can easily accomplish this, do not even contemplate having children.

Lesson 8
1. Hollow out a melon.
2. Make a small hole in the side.
3. Suspend it from the ceiling and swing it from side to side.
4. Now get a bowl of soggy Cheerios and attempt to spoon them into the swaying melon by pretending to be an airplane.
5. Continue until half the Cheerios are gone.
6. Tip half into your lap. The other half, just throw up in the air.
You are now ready to feed a nine- month-old baby.

Lesson 9
Learn the names of every character from Sesame Street , Barney, Disney, the Teletubbies, and Pokemon. Watch nothing else on TV but PBS, the Disney channel or Noggin for at least five years. (I know, you're thinking What's 'Noggin'?) Exactly the point.

Lesson 10
Make a recording of Fran Drescher saying 'mommy' repeatedly. (Important: no more than a four second delay between each 'mommy'; occasional crescendo to the level of a supersonic jet is required). Play this tape in your car everywhere you go for the next four years. You are now ready to take a long trip with a toddler.

Lesson 11
Start talking to an adult of your choice. Have someone else continually tug on your skirt hem, shirt- sleeve, or elbow while playing the 'mommy' tape made from Lesson 10 above. You are now ready to have a conversation with an adult while there is a child in the room.

This is all very tongue in cheek; anyone who is parent will say 'it's all worth it!' Share it with your friends, both those who do and don't have kids. I guarantee they'll get a chuckle out of it. Remember, a sense of humor is one of the most important things you'll need when you become a parent!

Spencer's 2 month check-up

Today was Spencer's 2 month check-up and shots. Carl took off work to go because 1. He wanted to and 2. I didn't know if I would break down or not. (I didn't).

Spencer is now 13 lbs 5 oz and 23 inches long. (He was 7 lbs 3 oz and 19.75 when born). Dr said he is a good weight now for being born a month early and said he seems to be healthy. I REALLY thought we would be told he has gained too much weight since he eats SO much. He has about 8-10 oz per feeding and eats probably 5-6 times a day. The dr said to cut down his feeding size and feed him more frequently, but I seriously don't see how that is possible. He will scream forever until you give him as much as he wants. There is no giving him a pacifier or rocking him to make him calm down. He will just scream until you feed him some more. If he is a good weight, then I think we will just continue what we have been doing because it works for us. 

Spencer was very good at the visit and only cried a few minutes after his shots and then he went to sleep. (He was tired when we got there). I hope that he is not as bad about shots and needles as his mommy was! I cried even when I was a teen! (Ridiculous I know). I am ok with them now, but it took some time.

I have been blessed to stay home with him these past 2 months, but it is way past time for me to get back to work. I think I will appreciate my time with Spencer more after I have some time apart. I will feel better once I get back to "normal" activities. I feel so unproductive at home. I feel like all I do is baby-related, which I know most of it is, but I would like to get more accomplished. So, I go back to work Thursday. I didn't want my first week to be a full week at work because I know I will have withdrawal and be upset. This way I will only be away from him for 2 days.

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year! (Belated)

2010 brought so many changes in my life. I got married, moved into a new house, and had a beautiful baby boy. With all of these drastic changes, this Christmas was one of, if not the most memorable so far. We did all of the things we thought that we, as new parents, should. We decorated the house, watched as many Christmas specials as we could, listened to Christmas music, had photos taken, and went to the Christmas Eve church service. It was a really special month and we are trying to soak up all we can with our baby boy!

Santa Spencer 6 weeks old

We all were really spoiled at Christmas! Spencer got lots of goodies from his grandparents and aunts! He is all set in the toy department! Momma and daddy got some good gifts too!

New Years was a low-key event and really enjoyable! The 3 of us went to my sister's and played PS3 with her and her hubby. (Well, Spencer slept!). We played bocce, archery, table tennis, etc. Fun night that didn't involve being out with drunk drivers or finding a babysitter!

We are looking forward to 2011 and watching our son grow and trying to be better people and better parents!