11 Step Program for those thinking of having kids

I saw this on Facebook and thought that it was so funny that I had to share it here as well. I have not been a mother long enough to experience all of this, but I still found it very amusing!

11 Step Program for those thinking of having kids

by Amy Lawrence on Tuesday, January 4, 2011 at 9:24am.

Lesson 1
1. Go to the grocery store.
2. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office.
3. Go home.
4. Pick up the paper.
5. Read it for the last time.

Lesson 2
Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple who already are parents and berate them about their...
1. Methods of discipline.
2. Lack of patience.
3. Appallingly low tolerance levels.
4. Allowing their children to run wild.
5. Suggest ways in which they might improve their child's breastfeeding, sleep habits, toilet training, table manners, and overall behavior.
Enjoy it because it will be the last time in your life you will have all the answers.

Lesson 3
A really good way to discover how the nights might feel...
1. Get home from work and immediately begin walking around the living room from 5PM to 10PM carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 8-12 pounds, with a radio turned to static (or some other obnoxious sound) playing loudly. (Eat cold food with one hand for dinner)
2. At 10PM, put the bag gently down, set the alarm for midnight, and go to sleep.
3. Get up at 12 and walk around the living room again, with the bag, until 1AM.
4. Set the alarm for 3AM.
5. As you can't get back to sleep, get up at 2AM and make a drink and watch an infomercial.
6. Go to bed at 2:45AM.
7. Get up at 3AM when the alarm goes off.
8. Sing songs quietly in the dark until 4AM.
9. Get up. Make breakfast. Get ready for work and go to work (work hard and be productive)
Repeat steps 1-9 each night. Keep this up for 3-5 years. Look cheerful and together.

Lesson 4
Can you stand the mess children make? To find out...
1. Smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains.
2. Hide a piece of raw chicken behind the stereo and leave it there all summer.
3. Stick your fingers in the flower bed.
4. Then rub them on the clean walls.
5. Take your favorite book, photo album, etc. Wreck it.
6. Spill milk on your new pillows. Cover the stains with crayons. How does that look?

Lesson 5
Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems.
1. Buy an octopus and a small bag made out of loose mesh.
2. Attempt to put the octopus into the bag so that none of the arms hang out.
Time allowed for this - all morning.

Lesson 6
Forget the BMW and buy a mini-van. And don't think that you can leave it out in the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars don't look like that.
1. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment.
Leave it there.
2. Get a dime. Stick it in the CD player.
3. Take a family size package of chocolate cookies. Mash them into the back seat. Sprinkle cheerios all over the floor, then smash them with your foot.
4. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car.

Lesson 7
Go to the local grocery store. Take with you the closest thing you can find to a pre-school child. (A full-grown goat is an excellent choice). If you intend to have more than one child, then definitely take more than one goat. Buy your week's groceries without letting the goats out of your sight. Pay for everything the goat eats or destroys. Until you can easily accomplish this, do not even contemplate having children.

Lesson 8
1. Hollow out a melon.
2. Make a small hole in the side.
3. Suspend it from the ceiling and swing it from side to side.
4. Now get a bowl of soggy Cheerios and attempt to spoon them into the swaying melon by pretending to be an airplane.
5. Continue until half the Cheerios are gone.
6. Tip half into your lap. The other half, just throw up in the air.
You are now ready to feed a nine- month-old baby.

Lesson 9
Learn the names of every character from Sesame Street , Barney, Disney, the Teletubbies, and Pokemon. Watch nothing else on TV but PBS, the Disney channel or Noggin for at least five years. (I know, you're thinking What's 'Noggin'?) Exactly the point.

Lesson 10
Make a recording of Fran Drescher saying 'mommy' repeatedly. (Important: no more than a four second delay between each 'mommy'; occasional crescendo to the level of a supersonic jet is required). Play this tape in your car everywhere you go for the next four years. You are now ready to take a long trip with a toddler.

Lesson 11
Start talking to an adult of your choice. Have someone else continually tug on your skirt hem, shirt- sleeve, or elbow while playing the 'mommy' tape made from Lesson 10 above. You are now ready to have a conversation with an adult while there is a child in the room.

This is all very tongue in cheek; anyone who is parent will say 'it's all worth it!' Share it with your friends, both those who do and don't have kids. I guarantee they'll get a chuckle out of it. Remember, a sense of humor is one of the most important things you'll need when you become a parent!

Spencer's 2 month check-up

Today was Spencer's 2 month check-up and shots. Carl took off work to go because 1. He wanted to and 2. I didn't know if I would break down or not. (I didn't).

Spencer is now 13 lbs 5 oz and 23 inches long. (He was 7 lbs 3 oz and 19.75 when born). Dr said he is a good weight now for being born a month early and said he seems to be healthy. I REALLY thought we would be told he has gained too much weight since he eats SO much. He has about 8-10 oz per feeding and eats probably 5-6 times a day. The dr said to cut down his feeding size and feed him more frequently, but I seriously don't see how that is possible. He will scream forever until you give him as much as he wants. There is no giving him a pacifier or rocking him to make him calm down. He will just scream until you feed him some more. If he is a good weight, then I think we will just continue what we have been doing because it works for us. 

Spencer was very good at the visit and only cried a few minutes after his shots and then he went to sleep. (He was tired when we got there). I hope that he is not as bad about shots and needles as his mommy was! I cried even when I was a teen! (Ridiculous I know). I am ok with them now, but it took some time.

I have been blessed to stay home with him these past 2 months, but it is way past time for me to get back to work. I think I will appreciate my time with Spencer more after I have some time apart. I will feel better once I get back to "normal" activities. I feel so unproductive at home. I feel like all I do is baby-related, which I know most of it is, but I would like to get more accomplished. So, I go back to work Thursday. I didn't want my first week to be a full week at work because I know I will have withdrawal and be upset. This way I will only be away from him for 2 days.

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year! (Belated)

2010 brought so many changes in my life. I got married, moved into a new house, and had a beautiful baby boy. With all of these drastic changes, this Christmas was one of, if not the most memorable so far. We did all of the things we thought that we, as new parents, should. We decorated the house, watched as many Christmas specials as we could, listened to Christmas music, had photos taken, and went to the Christmas Eve church service. It was a really special month and we are trying to soak up all we can with our baby boy!

Santa Spencer 6 weeks old

We all were really spoiled at Christmas! Spencer got lots of goodies from his grandparents and aunts! He is all set in the toy department! Momma and daddy got some good gifts too!

New Years was a low-key event and really enjoyable! The 3 of us went to my sister's and played PS3 with her and her hubby. (Well, Spencer slept!). We played bocce, archery, table tennis, etc. Fun night that didn't involve being out with drunk drivers or finding a babysitter!

We are looking forward to 2011 and watching our son grow and trying to be better people and better parents!

3 weeks ago today...the birth of my first child

I went for a checkup at my doctor's office on Thursday Oct 28th. My blood pressure was elevated, I had protein in my urine, and I had gained 10 pounds in 2 weeks in FLUID...which you could tell my looking at my legs. I had cankles and my knees were are big as my thighs. Since I was preeclamptic...doctor's orders were that I go straight to the hospital to be induced. She wanted him born before I got sick. I told her I was going home first for a shower and dinner and to finish packing my bag. She didn't want me to...but I knew what would happen when I was admitted to the hospital- nothing but ice chips.

So I went home and took a shower while Carl went to pick up my last meal of chicken nuggets and fries. We both ate and then packed my car and headed over to the hospital. We were taken to our hospital room sometime between 7 and 8pm. Here is our last photo together before I was bedridden for 3 days:

Thursday night they put me on Cervidil. It is supposed to stay in for 12 hours and then they check to see if it is working. At this point, they also had me hooked to in IV with I don't even remember all that was being pumped in me. I know Magnesium was...we had to keep the room dark and were not supposed to have the TV on. Mag and the other fluids plus the fact that I was already swollen had me puffy and absolutely miserable. And on top of that, someone was pricking my finger every 2 hours or so to check my blood sugar and they would come back with more insulin to shoot up. The next day when they went to check and see if the Cervidil did anything, they discovered that it was not even in all the way. So basically, it was a waste of 12 hours. So then I had to wait a few hours for them to start me on Cytotek. I also had to have a cath at this point because they didn't want to chance the medicine falling out. I was to have a Cytotek every 4 hours...until I had 4...and then see if I was ready. Well, after all the Cytotek, still not dilated and labor not started. So very early Saturday morning I was informed that they would break my water soon. That terrified me. Luckily, my water broke on its own.

They waited several hours to see if I dilated. I was BEGGING for a C-section since mid-Friday because I was miserable. I was bloated so bad it was insane. I was hurting anytime they did anything to me and I just cried all the time because I didn't want anyone else touching me. My hands were so swollen, I couldn't get anywhere close to making a fist, so when Carl would hold my hand, I would have to ask him to squeeze my hand since it was physically impossible for me to squeeze his!

Finally Saturday before noon, they decided I would be having Spencer soon via Cesaerean section. I was not even scared of it because I was so ready for this to be over with! I was relieved that he would be out soon and that hopefully the swelling would go down and people would stop poking and prodding me and everything. They wheeled me back to the operating room and the gorgeous anesthesiologist gave me a spinal and I was numb in no time. The operation felt like it took forever, but my family that was waiting nearby said it was no time. I felt the doctors pushing on my belly, but I never felt the incision, just some pushing and then I heard crying and knew it would be over soon.  I did not have my glasses on, so I couldn't really see much of what was going on in the room, but they got him cleaned up and gave him to Carl. Carl brought Spencer over to me and our nurse friend took a picture of our little family for us. I could not have imagined how much Carl and I would instantly been in love. Carl was sniffling when he brought Spencer over and my heart melted!

Spencer was born Saturday October 30th (my dad's birthday) at 12:09 pm and weighed 7 lbs, 3 oz and was 19.74 inches long.

Here is our first family picture together (with mommy still being operated on and baby still crying):

Since I am diabetic, I already knew that Spencer would more than likely have to go to NICU when he was born. That is exactly what happened. He had low blood sugar at birth, and they took him to NICU (after a small detour so my mom, sister, aunt, and friend) could see him. The main thing that I hated about him being in NICU was that I could not breastfeed him. All I could do was pump in my hospital room and send the milk to him. Carl and I figured that was better than him just getting formula alone. I did not even get out of bed for over 24 hours after my surgery. So Carl and our parents could go visit Spencer, but I could not. NICU printed out 2 pictures of him to send to me...and I cried in my room looking at the pictures.

Not long after the operation, they moved me to a different floor. It was much better here! I did not have to be on an IV anymore and the nurse only came in my room 3 or 4 times a day instead of every 2 hours. I only got my finger pricked once or twice a day and I got Metformin instead of insulin. About 30 hours after my surgery, my nurse decided I needed to go visit my son. She asked everyone to leave the room and she shut the door and she was determined to get me into a wheelchair before she got off her shift. I cried and complained...it HURT! But someone she managed to make me get into that wheelchair and Carl wheeled me down to NICU. I was so weak from the whole hospital ordeal that I was afraid to hold him. Not to mention that I have never really been around babies before. (Now, 3 weeks later I almost feel like a pro).

Here is our first family photo after the operating room:

Our sweet baby boy:

We got to leave the hospital Tuesday Nov 2nd around 9pm. (I had to go back to the hospital Thursday because of blood pressure, but that is a different story). We took him home and let Bear sniff him...we are pretty sure Bear is in love too. He loves to kiss his baby brother and gets worried if he is crying and gets upset with us if he thinks we are not taking care of the situation. We really could not ask for a better dog than Bear. And as of the first 3 weeks with our son, we could not have asked for a better child! He is on a 4-hour schedule and everyone tells us how lucky we are and that he is easy compared to how they had it. Carl was mommy and daddy the first week or 2 since mommy did not feel well at all. He was really a life-saver. Now that my blood pressure is down and I don't hurt anymore, I am trying my best to do a lot more! But I really got in the habit of sleeping all night while Carl would get up for the middle-of-the-night feedings...and I still haven't taken that role over! Oh...and Spencer REFUSES to breastfeed. We think it is because he had a bottle the first several days of his life while in NICU...and he does not want to work to get his food. We tried for a few days, but I gave up because it was too stressful for me...and seemed to be for Spencer too. He would latch, but didn't like the flow, so he would just scream and scream until we gave him a bottle. I really hate that it worked that way, but it is easier since anyone can feed him and it gives me a break. He still gets some breast milk...not as much as we would like, but I guess some is better than none.

Spencer and I both had a good first check-up at the doctor. They said my blood pressure SHOULD be back to normal without medicine by my next appointment. Spencer gained a few ounces and grew a quarter of an inch. He is a happy and healthy baby and we couldn't have asked for a better one.

UGH and YAY and every emotion between!

Ok, so while I am not entirely ready for Spencer to be here...I am way ready for this pregnancy to be over with! I am more and more miserable each day and my doctor's office is being less and less helpful! Last week their equipment wasn't working, so I got sent to the hospital for monitoring. You can't get to the labor and delivery floor except via the ER...so Carl and I had to sit in the ER waiting room and wait to go to labor and delivery. (Keep in mind I am diabetic and pregnant, and we ate muffins about 3:00). We finally get seen and they hook me up to monitor Spencer's heartbeat and my blood pressure...and do not come back to check on me for well over an hour. My back is hurting so bad I was in tears and squeezing Carl's hand...someone FINALLY comes in and hooks me up for an ultrasound to measure amniotic fluid and Spencer's movement...I am still hooked up for blood pressure, but no more heartbeat machine thing. After she prodded me for what seemed like forever (back still in a lot of pain...I think just from the way I was lying down so long). Then she tells me that someone will be back with my discharge papers...Carl has to leave to go to pharmacy before they close...I waited for over an hour and no one came to check on me...Carl called me and was ready for me to meet him outside. (It was after visitation time, so it would have been a paid to get him back up to my room). So I decide I am just going to leave...but of course they stop me. I tell them I am leaving NOW because I am diabetic and it is after 9:30 pm and I haven't eaten. I am sure my blood sugar was getting pretty low...on top of being tired and pregnant and irritated, I was just crying talking to the doctor. And that is my rant for the day. Can you believe they want me to go back and do the same thing tomorrow? I haven't decided if I am going or not. I really do not want to be put through that again. It was extremely ridiculous.

The swelling has not gone down any. I can't even make a fist in the mornings and I go barefoot at work a lot because none of my shoes fit me anymore. My mom bought me some Halloween sock/bootie things with the grip sole...I wear them a lot. If I can't get a good night's sleep anyways, I figure I might as well be getting up all night to feed and change a baby! At least then maybe I would feel a little more normal without the swelling and having to give myself so many shots all day, etc. I didn't really have much morning sickness and the early part of my pregnancy was really easy. I really think I am making up for it now! But I don't know. Maybe other people this far along were just as miserable. By the way, I am 35 weeks and 2 days along now...so 3 or 4 more weeks for me and I am done! (They won't let me go past 38 or 39 weeks b/c of my diabetes).

On a much more positive note, Carl and I got pregnancy photos done Sunday. My friend Camille did them...she took pics at our wedding and I wouldn't have it any other way! She really could do professional photography on the side if she wanted to!

Here are a few of our pics. They were taken at Cameron Brown Park in Germantown. There are many more, but these are just a few of my faves:

Another ultrasound...

Being diabetic and 32 weeks pregnant means I go to the doctor a whole lot. Yesterday I got sent for an ultrasound to determine how big baby Spencer is. My doctor(s) already thought he is bigger than he should be and they wanted to know just how much bigger.

Yesterday we learned that Spencer is 5 lbs and 7 oz already...and is approx. 2 weeks further along than he should be. He is in the 80th percentile. They said that is not all that great, but that they wouldn't worry unless he reached the 90th percentile. His heartbeat was 147, which is good.

I was told by this new place that he would be born at 38 or 39 weeks and that they don't let diabetics go 40 weeks. So that means we are having an early to mid-November baby unless he decides he wants to come early. Please just stay til Nov 1st at least!!

Third Trimester

Well, I am 32 weeks along now...and trying my best to get fully prepared for the big event. Several things have happened lately that have helped me feel almost ready. The first is the baby shower my sister threw for me. It was great fun and Carl and I got all the big ticket items we really wanted. We got an infant car seat/stroller travel system from some of my girlfriends that pitched in together. We go the matching high chair and play yard that go with it from family. It is all Alphabet Soup from Safety 1st. I love the pattern, Carl didn't at first, but I think he likes it more now. We got tons of clothes from everyone. We got a take along bouncer, mattress for the crib, the puppy bedding set I wanted for the nursery...we got really spoiled! I am so thankful for my friends and family that have helped us in getting ready for the upcoming arrival of Spencer Mason. Here are a few picture
 

After the shower, we got the rest of the nursery furniture assembled and got a lot of the nursery ready. Really the main things left to do are to grab a few last supplies, do the nursery windows, and get the birth plan ready, car seat installed, and bags packed so we are ready for our little man should he come early.

Another thing we have done to get ready is that we started baby classes last night. We go to the 2 hour classes every Monday night from now until baby Spencer comes. Last night was the breastfeeding class. I really feel that we both learned a lot. I feel great about our decision to breastfeed and learned helpful tips. For example, it should not be painful and you should not even need lanolin...if you do have pain and get chaffed it means you are not doing it properly and the baby is not latched on right. I always thought chaffing and pain went along with breastfeeding. Carl and I learned many benefits of breastfeeding...it will help me lose the baby weight faster AND help lower my blood sugar, which has drastically gone up throughout my pregnancy. 

Next Monday the class is about post-partum baby care. I really think this class will be beneficial to me because I have never really been around babies before. I have never changed a diaper, I am terrified of holding babies, etc. I am hoping to learn more helpful tips and ease my fears about holding, feeding, etc to my baby before he comes. The week after starts Lamaze classes. Carl thinks they will be pointless, but I just want to at least go to one or two and see what it is about. It can't hurt! 

So now to nest and get the house ready, stock up on diapers and bath supplies, finish up the nursery, etc...and get ready for our little dude!